new tattoo

This tattoo is a reminder of my covenant with God. It's the hands of Jesus holding my Lt. epaulet. The roman numerals are Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hand."

the week of grief

I decided it was time to dictate what experiences and emotions I have had in the last week in connection with the death of my nephew. I can't say that this raises or answers any questions or produces amazing insight. All I can say is, a lot went on and writing it out in a blog is my way of processing.

He died on Sunday morning. I saw Rhoda on Monday morning. The first sight of my sister was heart-wrenching. She hugged me and sobbed. I've never seen her cry before. The tears I shed on Sunday were of disbelief and sadness. The tears I shed on Monday were of heartbreak for my sister's loss. The house was full of reminders of Aidan. The stroller, the highchair, the bottles, even the dirty diapers in the bathroom trash can. My nieces were, in an odd way, the same as always. How much do you understand of death at the age of nine or six? I stayed with Rhoda and her family until Tuesday evening.

Wednesday was the hardest day of that long week. It was the day of the viewing. Before Wednesday I could almost pretend that the last six months were a dream, and that Aidan just hadn't existed. On Wednesday I came face to face with reality. There he was in his small coffin looking almost like a doll, so peaceful. He really was here. And now he really was gone. I could no longer hold back the overpowering emotions and the utter loss I felt. I cried. I sobbed. I called April to talk. The rest of the day passed. As more people came and went, there were more tears mingled with laughter. At the end of the day the four of us sisters stood at the coffin to say our final good-bye. Again the tears flowed. This time Heather was there for me. Thank God for sessionmates.

Thursday was the day of the funeral. Again it was hard. He had such a short life. No funeral could do him justice. Maybe the hardest part of that day was walking away from the casket at the graveyard. Even as the icy cold wind whipped the snow around my legs and threatened to freeze the tears on my cheeks, I couldn't bear to walk away. This was it. This was really the end.

And then it was over.

Friday and Saturday were days of emptiness in a way. I went back to Lincoln and I didn't feel anything. I couldn't work up the feelings that I thought I ought to have. Then I feel guilty for not feeling more.

Ashton spent the weekend with me to keep me company and to cheer me up. We made funnel cakes. We ate happy meals. The happy meal toys right now are small dogs from the movie Hotel for Dogs. Rhoda would take home the toys for Aidan to play with. He loved them. One of them is now in is casket with him along with toy cars and a picture of his sisters. I will miss him. He was such a blessing to me in his short life.

I know the days ahead will be difficult. Perhaps more difficult than the last week and a half have been. I know there are stages of grief and I may pass through some or all of the stages. I know this feeling of nothingness will not last. I am so grateful for the numerous encouraging messages I have received, the cards, the phone calls, the prayers. I am so blessed to be have so many caring people surrounding me.

Aidan Michael Aloisius Frady

In Loving Memory

Aidan Michael Aloisius Frady

Born

August 7, 2008         Omaha, Nebraska

Entered Into Rest

January 25, 2009       Wayne, Nebraska

A Christian Service

  United Lutheran Church

Laurel, Nebraska

Thursday       11:00 a.m   January 29, 2009

Minister

Rev.  Marc Rakow

Music By Congregation

“Jesus Loves Little Children”

“Jesus Loves Me”

“Amazing Grace”

Organist     Anita Gade

Honorary Pallbearers

Kevin Borcher    Aaron Fisch

Ryan Frady     Santos Moreno

Reuben Sellen    Rufus Sellen  

Active Pallbearers

Aidan’s Grandfathers

Interment

Woodlawn Cemetery   Wausa, Nebraska

Hasemann-Schumacher Funeral Homes

This is me holding Aidan at his baptism in November. He had such a short life, but we loved him so much in the few months he was with us. Rest in the arms of Jesus, Aidan. I will see you again.

death

My nephew died last Sunday morning. He was five months old. Not even half a year. It was SIDS. It was unexpected. He wasn't sick. He had two older sisters. They don't even know how to process it. He had two wonderful parents. So caring and loving. Now grieving. He had four grandparents. Grieving the loss of a grandchild and feeling the pain for their child. He had so many aunts and uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends. Why? No one knows why. No one has answers. Only questions.

I know I will see him again. I know he is free of pain. I know he is with Jesus.

But I still feel pain. My sister feels pain. My brother-in-law feels pain. He's gone.

friends make life better

This was a fabulous weekend!

It started Friday when my friend Ashton came to visit. She joined me for youth programs, and even though we didn't get much accomplished, she made it more interesting. Afterwards we went out to Chinese food with Nina, another friend. We had so much fun and so much tea. The latter has consequences as Ashton and I discovered later that night at my house. We drank even more tea and took turns in the bathroom peeing. Then we put henna in my hair and talked some more.

Now, here's the thing about Ashton and me when we get together: Ashton is accustomed to staying up late and sleeping in late; I am accustomed to going to bed early and waking up early. When we are together we tend to stay up late and wake up early, a sad combination of both our sleeping habits.

The next morning I rinsed the henna out of my hair and Ashton made us french toast for breakfast. Then we went to the pet store to buy food for the snake. If I were by myself, I would have picked up the pinkies and headed to the register. But with Ashton, we walked around to admire the animals. I left the store with snake food, a dwarf hamster, a hamster cage, food and bedding. Now I have a second pet to love and care for. I have to be careful or I'll end up as one of those old ladies with a house full of animals.

Ashton joined me on the canteen for our weekly Night Watch program. Leroy and Nina were also there and together the four of us had a good time. When that was done, Ashton, Nina, and I drank tea at my house. And we peed.

Ashton went home for her Sunday duties. I preached the next morning. I had been working on my sermon all week, but had been struggling with it. Even by Sunday morning I knew my basic outline, but didn't have all the words written out. It was a chance to allow the Holy Spirit speak through me. I don't like being unprepared, but I know God had been preparing me for that sermon. And I believe he used it.

Sunday night we had a Sunbeam sleepover with Girl Guards helping. Ashton and Nina were both there to help, but the three of us are a volatile combination. At times we were more trouble than the girls. For the sleepover: the girls went shopping, made their own pizzas. learned how to do plastic canvas, burst two pinatas, danced to music, watched a movie, and finally went to sleep. In the morning we made pancakes and sent the children home with their parents. It was a successful sleepover. Then Ashton and I went to my house and crashed. We took a three hour nap.

We spent most of today just relaxing, then hung out with Nina and her friend Audrey at the mall. Then Ashton left, after we had tea together, of course. Tomorrow I will be back at work...my long weekend will be complete.