I decided it was time to dictate what experiences and emotions I have had in the last week in connection with the death of my nephew. I can't say that this raises or answers any questions or produces amazing insight. All I can say is, a lot went on and writing it out in a blog is my way of processing.

He died on Sunday morning. I saw Rhoda on Monday morning. The first sight of my sister was heart-wrenching. She hugged me and sobbed. I've never seen her cry before. The tears I shed on Sunday were of disbelief and sadness. The tears I shed on Monday were of heartbreak for my sister's loss. The house was full of reminders of Aidan. The stroller, the highchair, the bottles, even the dirty diapers in the bathroom trash can. My nieces were, in an odd way, the same as always. How much do you understand of death at the age of nine or six? I stayed with Rhoda and her family until Tuesday evening.

Wednesday was the hardest day of that long week. It was the day of the viewing. Before Wednesday I could almost pretend that the last six months were a dream, and that Aidan just hadn't existed. On Wednesday I came face to face with reality. There he was in his small coffin looking almost like a doll, so peaceful. He really was here. And now he really was gone. I could no longer hold back the overpowering emotions and the utter loss I felt. I cried. I sobbed. I called April to talk. The rest of the day passed. As more people came and went, there were more tears mingled with laughter. At the end of the day the four of us sisters stood at the coffin to say our final good-bye. Again the tears flowed. This time Heather was there for me. Thank God for sessionmates.

Thursday was the day of the funeral. Again it was hard. He had such a short life. No funeral could do him justice. Maybe the hardest part of that day was walking away from the casket at the graveyard. Even as the icy cold wind whipped the snow around my legs and threatened to freeze the tears on my cheeks, I couldn't bear to walk away. This was it. This was really the end.

And then it was over.

Friday and Saturday were days of emptiness in a way. I went back to Lincoln and I didn't feel anything. I couldn't work up the feelings that I thought I ought to have. Then I feel guilty for not feeling more.

Ashton spent the weekend with me to keep me company and to cheer me up. We made funnel cakes. We ate happy meals. The happy meal toys right now are small dogs from the movie Hotel for Dogs. Rhoda would take home the toys for Aidan to play with. He loved them. One of them is now in is casket with him along with toy cars and a picture of his sisters. I will miss him. He was such a blessing to me in his short life.

I know the days ahead will be difficult. Perhaps more difficult than the last week and a half have been. I know there are stages of grief and I may pass through some or all of the stages. I know this feeling of nothingness will not last. I am so grateful for the numerous encouraging messages I have received, the cards, the phone calls, the prayers. I am so blessed to be have so many caring people surrounding me.