RuthViola's Xanga

new tattoo

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 01:36:44 GMT

This tattoo is a reminder of my covenant with God. It's the hands of Jesus holding my Lt. epaulet. The roman numerals are Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palm of my hand."

the week of grief

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 01:38:18 GMT

I decided it was time to dictate what experiences and emotions I have had in the last week in connection with the death of my nephew. I can't say that this raises or answers any questions or produces amazing insight. All I can say is, a lot went on and writing it out in a blog is my way of processing.

He died on Sunday morning. I saw Rhoda on Monday morning. The first sight of my sister was heart-wrenching. She hugged me and sobbed. I've never seen her cry before. The tears I shed on Sunday were of disbelief and sadness. The tears I shed on Monday were of heartbreak for my sister's loss. The house was full of reminders of Aidan. The stroller, the highchair, the bottles, even the dirty diapers in the bathroom trash can. My nieces were, in an odd way, the same as always. How much do you understand of death at the age of nine or six? I stayed with Rhoda and her family until Tuesday evening.

Wednesday was the hardest day of that long week. It was the day of the viewing. Before Wednesday I could almost pretend that the last six months were a dream, and that Aidan just hadn't existed. On Wednesday I came face to face with reality. There he was in his small coffin looking almost like a doll, so peaceful. He really was here. And now he really was gone. I could no longer hold back the overpowering emotions and the utter loss I felt. I cried. I sobbed. I called April to talk. The rest of the day passed. As more people came and went, there were more tears mingled with laughter. At the end of the day the four of us sisters stood at the coffin to say our final good-bye. Again the tears flowed. This time Heather was there for me. Thank God for sessionmates.

Thursday was the day of the funeral. Again it was hard. He had such a short life. No funeral could do him justice. Maybe the hardest part of that day was walking away from the casket at the graveyard. Even as the icy cold wind whipped the snow around my legs and threatened to freeze the tears on my cheeks, I couldn't bear to walk away. This was it. This was really the end.

And then it was over.

Friday and Saturday were days of emptiness in a way. I went back to Lincoln and I didn't feel anything. I couldn't work up the feelings that I thought I ought to have. Then I feel guilty for not feeling more.

Ashton spent the weekend with me to keep me company and to cheer me up. We made funnel cakes. We ate happy meals. The happy meal toys right now are small dogs from the movie Hotel for Dogs. Rhoda would take home the toys for Aidan to play with. He loved them. One of them is now in is casket with him along with toy cars and a picture of his sisters. I will miss him. He was such a blessing to me in his short life.

I know the days ahead will be difficult. Perhaps more difficult than the last week and a half have been. I know there are stages of grief and I may pass through some or all of the stages. I know this feeling of nothingness will not last. I am so grateful for the numerous encouraging messages I have received, the cards, the phone calls, the prayers. I am so blessed to be have so many caring people surrounding me.

Aidan Michael Aloisius Frady

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 20:35:31 GMT

In Loving Memory

Aidan Michael Aloisius Frady

Born

August 7, 2008 Omaha, Nebraska

Entered Into Rest

January 25, 2009 Wayne, Nebraska

A Christian Service

United Lutheran Church

Laurel, Nebraska

Thursday 11:00 a.m January 29, 2009

Minister

Rev. Marc Rakow

Music By Congregation

“Jesus Loves Little Children”

“Jesus Loves Me”

“Amazing Grace”

Organist Anita Gade

Honorary Pallbearers

Kevin Borcher Aaron Fisch

Ryan Frady Santos Moreno

Reuben Sellen Rufus Sellen

Active Pallbearers

Aidan’s Grandfathers

Interment

Woodlawn Cemetery Wausa, Nebraska

Hasemann-Schumacher Funeral Homes

This is me holding Aidan at his baptism in November. He had such a short life, but we loved him so much in the few months he was with us. Rest in the arms of Jesus, Aidan. I will see you again.

death

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 06:32:22 GMT

My nephew died last Sunday morning. He was five months old. Not even half a year. It was SIDS. It was unexpected. He wasn't sick. He had two older sisters. They don't even know how to process it. He had two wonderful parents. So caring and loving. Now grieving. He had four grandparents. Grieving the loss of a grandchild and feeling the pain for their child. He had so many aunts and uncles, cousins, neighbors, friends. Why? No one knows why. No one has answers. Only questions.

I know I will see him again. I know he is free of pain. I know he is with Jesus.

But I still feel pain. My sister feels pain. My brother-in-law feels pain. He's gone.

friends make life better

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 04:17:54 GMT

This was a fabulous weekend!

It started Friday when my friend Ashton came to visit. She joined me for youth programs, and even though we didn't get much accomplished, she made it more interesting. Afterwards we went out to Chinese food with Nina, another friend. We had so much fun and so much tea. The latter has consequences as Ashton and I discovered later that night at my house. We drank even more tea and took turns in the bathroom peeing. Then we put henna in my hair and talked some more.

Now, here's the thing about Ashton and me when we get together: Ashton is accustomed to staying up late and sleeping in late; I am accustomed to going to bed early and waking up early. When we are together we tend to stay up late and wake up early, a sad combination of both our sleeping habits.

The next morning I rinsed the henna out of my hair and Ashton made us french toast for breakfast. Then we went to the pet store to buy food for the snake. If I were by myself, I would have picked up the pinkies and headed to the register. But with Ashton, we walked around to admire the animals. I left the store with snake food, a dwarf hamster, a hamster cage, food and bedding. Now I have a second pet to love and care for. I have to be careful or I'll end up as one of those old ladies with a house full of animals.

Ashton joined me on the canteen for our weekly Night Watch program. Leroy and Nina were also there and together the four of us had a good time. When that was done, Ashton, Nina, and I drank tea at my house. And we peed.

Ashton went home for her Sunday duties. I preached the next morning. I had been working on my sermon all week, but had been struggling with it. Even by Sunday morning I knew my basic outline, but didn't have all the words written out. It was a chance to allow the Holy Spirit speak through me. I don't like being unprepared, but I know God had been preparing me for that sermon. And I believe he used it.

Sunday night we had a Sunbeam sleepover with Girl Guards helping. Ashton and Nina were both there to help, but the three of us are a volatile combination. At times we were more trouble than the girls. For the sleepover: the girls went shopping, made their own pizzas. learned how to do plastic canvas, burst two pinatas, danced to music, watched a movie, and finally went to sleep. In the morning we made pancakes and sent the children home with their parents. It was a successful sleepover. Then Ashton and I went to my house and crashed. We took a three hour nap.

We spent most of today just relaxing, then hung out with Nina and her friend Audrey at the mall. Then Ashton left, after we had tea together, of course. Tomorrow I will be back at work...my long weekend will be complete.

twenty minutes in heaven

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 04:09:14 GMT

My first thought this morning as my alarm blared, was "please, just twenty more minutes." As I climbed out of my warm cocoon of blankets to hit the snooze button (whose idea was it to put the alarm clock across the room?) I thought about how wonderful it would be to just close my eyes again. I did. Nine minutes later the alarm blared again. This time as I closed my eyes following the hitting of the snooze button I was slightly more aware and began to think my extra twenty minutes would be heaven. Then I slipped into unconsiousness. When the alarm went off for the third time I reluctantly began preparing for the day. My mind was still thinking about the extra twenty minutes in heaven.

Could twenty additional minutes of sleep be considered heaven? It sounds so ridiculous. Twenty minute of rest compared to an eternity with Jesus? But the more I thought of it, the more I liked it. Heaven will be sleeping in. Heaven will be waking up naturally. Heaven will be a perfect body that doesn't need sleep. Heaven will be the eternal rest for our souls. Heaven will be forever praising God, what our souls were created to do. Heaven will be never again staying up late writing a sermon so that the next morning you are dead tired. I can't wait for heaven somedays.

What do you think heaven will be like?

when the Christmas cactus blooms

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 00:12:47 GMT

Just before moving to Lincoln, I was given an abandoned houseplant from an empty apartment. Dorothy gave it to me and together we named it Hilda. I just think every plant ought to be named. With a little water it perked up and it adorned my new home for several months just being all green and such. I didn't even know it was a Christmas cactus until I saw the same kind of plant in Elaine's office. It had little buds on it. It turns out, the Christmas cactus is known for blooming in the winter.

I looked at my plant that evening and sure enough, there were small buds. I was excited. I had never had a houseplant bloom for me before. Elaine told me the cactus needed darkness, so I stuck it in a spare room where the light was usually turned off. Over the last several weeks I have watched as the buds opened and bloomed.

I love that the plant goes into full bloom in the middle of winter. When the rest of the world lies cold and dormant, the Christmas cactus comes to life.

It's like that in my life, too. In the midst of the cold winter of life, God brings a touch of spring.

Have you seen God bring blooms in the midst of your winter?

God's message to me

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 22:02:04 GMT

For the first time in four weeks I got to sit and listen to the sermon. I love preaching, but it is nice to take a break every once in awhile. God spoke to me this morning, not just in the message, but in my own wandering thoughts.

Major B was preaching on a passage in Isaiah. First of all, it was listed wrong in the bulletin, and I never did hear what chapter he was using, so I wasn't able to follow along in my Bible as I usually do. As he was talking I began to let my mind wander. My thoughts turned to something that had been plauging me recently. It was something I knew I shouldn't be thinking abou, but I got a guilty pleasure from it. I wanted to put the thought out of my mind, but at the same time I wanted to invite the thought to stay. The longer my mind dwelt on the subject the worse it was. So, I looked up a verse using my Thompson Chain Bible's Concordance: 2 Corinthians 2:5b "We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I gave my thoughts to God and asked him to focus my mind on Christ. I looked more at the context of the verse and wrote it on the back of my bulletin.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." These are verses 3 and 4, setting up the context that these thoughts are the srongholds that need to be demolished. The weapon I have to defeat my own selfish and sinful thoughts is the power of Christ.

About that time, my ears tuned back in to the sermon. Major B was talking about "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." I looked up that verse in my trusty concordance and that was how I figured out the sermon was from Isaiah 26. So that's it, my mind has to be steadfast, completely focused on Christ. That is the way to overcome my own thoughts.

I am not a slave to my thoughts. I am a new creation! The old has gone, the new has come (2 Cor. 5:17).

heroes

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:24:25 GMT

more than a job

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 04:06:43 GMT

If being a minister was a career, I would have quit by now. It's not a typical job, it's my calling. Here's why:

Thursday afternoons we always have Women's Ministry. When I got to the building I went straight to the basement to wait for the meeting to begin, not stopping by my office to check my messages. While waiting, I got a call asking why one of the ladies hadn't been picked up yet. I was annoyed. I don't like picking people up. I asked around and no one seemed to know who was supposed to do pick-ups, so I grudgingly got back in my car and started off for the lady who was still waiting for a ride. As I drove, I got more and more annoyed. Why did I have to do this? Arrgghh! It took about 7 minutes to get to her house. She got in the van and I could tell that she was upset. She was hurt that it had taken so long and was convinced that we didn't want her.

As I drove her back to the corps, my annoyance started to dissapear as I realized this was my calling. This woman in my van was more than worth the "inconvenience" of going to pick her up. She was hurting and I was able to listen to her, comfort her, and assure her that she is worth my time and attention. She is my calling.

Again and again, the words of one of my instructors at the Training College come to me "It's not about you!" Here was my opportunity to minister to someone else, the opportunity to make this not about me, but about serving suffering humanity. And I almost wasted it.

Lord, help me see people through your eyes.